Struggles and Blessings

To be completely honest, post treatment is one of the hardest parts in recovery. In the center, I was sheltered from the influence of the outside world. When I left, my eyes were so open to how obsessed society is with weight, exercise and diets. Now was the time for my treatment to be put to the test.

After discharging from CFC I went straight to a family reunion up in Idaho. I knew that family reunions meant lots of foods, and scary foods at that—fried foods, desserts, eating out at restaurants; not to mention I was still not comfortable with the weight I had to put on. It was really hard on me to cope with the emotions that come with eating every meal and still enjoy time with my family. Some moments were harder than others, but it turned out my family was really good support. It actually really helped being surrounded by people that love me and I know wouldn’t be judging me. Going home to Cypress, I soon found out, would be the real trial.

I was so excited to see my friends but that environment is so toxic. It felt like every time I saw someone I went to high school, the conversations turned to how fat this person got and how they hate their bodies. This was not what I needed. Other than the fact that my mom, dad, brother, and my best friend were there, I wanted out. I had this strong feeling I needed to get out and move to Utah. I was establishing my testimony in my Heavenly Father and I needed an environment that would strengthen it and be around people that respected their bodies. I didn’t know this yet but this was going to be the best decision of my life. So I talked with my parents and we set up for me to move the first week of August, which left me a month in Texas.

I took that month day by day, using my coping skills and working on my recovery. I was on anti-depressants, which helped me quite a bit, but I still had my low moments. I remember one night I was going to bed and I decided I wanted to check Facebook for a couple minutes. I go on and I looked at pictures of my friends and people I went to high school with. They all had pictures posted of them at college and doing things with their lives and I broke down. I felt like I hadn’t done anything with my life. I had only done one semester at college and I had to drop out, with no plans to go back. Where was my life going? I then started to feel hopeless and that I had no importance. I was getting very serious thoughts of suicide that night. Before treatment I had wished I wasn’t alive but I never thought about killing myself. It wasn’t until I had gone through treatment that my depression got this bad. I was so scared that I was going to go through with these thoughts. I texted my sister, Kelcie, and my best friend, Holly, and they talked me through it. They may have saved my life that night. This was a wake up call to me that I was not fully recovered. I still had so much work to do.

I made it through July and now it was time to move. You can imagine how scary this idea of moving away from home to a place where I didn’t know anyone (except Kelcie) was since that incident the month before, but I knew this is what I needed to do.

I drove up with my parents and moved in with Kelcie until I could move unto my own apartment. I was still participating in some eating disorder behaviors, such as eating foods that were “lighter”, looking for low calorie meals, making sure I exercised. It was getting really hard to fight those urges. I still met with my therapist every other week or so to keep me on track.

I moved into my apartment and the first day I met my new roommate, Stephanie. We hit it off right away. That first Sunday we went to church together. I was glad that Steph and I had become friends so quickly because church was so intimidating. That night we had a ward activity called ward prayer where we pray together. I was there talking with Steph and a guy I had met when registering at my apartment when this cute guy, Jonathon, came up with his friend and introduced himself to us. During the activity, there was an incident where Jonathon hit a plate of cookies and they went everywhere. This was my first impression of this guy and I thought he was pretty funny. Afterwards he asked me for my number.

He text me the next day and we talked for 2 hours at another church activity that night. I felt comfortable around this guy and I loved talking to him. We continued to text the next day and planned to hang out that night. I went to institute held at the apartment clubhouse and got a donut after. I met up with him at the pool since he was swimming with his friends. Me, Steph, and our other roommate met back up with them at the pool and hung out there for a while. I was so excited that I had eaten a donut and then gotten into a swimsuit in front of this guy. This was already a good sign. Later that night I invited him and his friends over to our apartment to watch “Finding Nemo”. He sat very close to me and he put his arm around me and held my hand. After he left that night me and Steph squealed with excitement, as girls do. I was amazed that this cute guy had shown affection to me this quickly!

I decided early in this blooming relationship that I would be honest with Jonathon about my struggles with my eating disorder and depression. I guess I wanted him to know what he was “getting into”. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved this guy so I wanted to scare him off? Well if that was the case, it didn’t work. Jonathon was the most understanding, caring, loving person I had ever met. I’m not saying these things didn’t scare him but I suppose he realized the bigger picture.

Since I’ve been with Jonathon, he is always taking care of me. He knows the things I struggle with down to the smallest details. He knows how my brain and depression work and is proactive in stopping my insecurities before they even happen. He actually wants to hear about what’s going on with me. He helps me to get closer and closer to beating my eating disorder each day. The best part is that after only 2 months of being with him, I didn’t even have to take my anti-depressants anymore. He helped me find happiness in so many things.

After 87 days he proposed to me. He promised to always take care of me and that he will never hurt me. That promise means so much to me. I had been in love with Jonathon since the eighth day I knew him. It was so comforting to know that I could be loved as much as he loves me. To have someone as good, and spiritual, and smart, and cute, and sweet, and caring, and just downright perfect love me as much as he does is so refreshing. This perfect guy wants to spend all of eternity with me! All I can say is wow.

We were sealed together for all time and eternity in the Brigham City Temple on February 16, 2013. That was the best day of my life. Being married to him makes me feel like a princess. I feel so beautiful around him and I felt gorgeous in my wedding dress. I still can’t even comprehend that I get forever with my prince charming! It’s only been 4 days since we have been married but every single day has been a blessing.

As of today, Jonathon has taken care of me everyday for almost 6 months. He has strengthened my testimony and has made me a stronger person. He had become my best friend and the love of my life. He has taken me to the temple (which is HUGE considering where I was at just a few months before I had met him).  Our relationship has had it’s bumps and I know I’m still going to struggle in the future but I can say proudly that I am not afraid that my eating disorder will take over my life again. I’ll say it again: “I AM NOT AFRAID OF MY EATING DISORDER”

Now you can see why I was getting that prompting for me to come to Utah. I needed to meet Jonathon. I needed him in my life. This is hard for me to write about Jonathon and the impact he has had on my life because I feel like I can’t do justice to everything he’s done for me. Everyday I make progress in beating this eating disorder because of him. I’ve told him that I would give up my eating disorder for him; that’s 8 years of pain and battles I’ve fought and grown to love—in a weird way—that I would just throw away for him. With the amount of love I have for him, I know that throwing away my eating disorder is possible and that’s what I’m still working on and getting closer to each and every day. :)