I am terrible at keeping up with this blog, as I have said numerous times before, but I really felt like I needed to write a post. Because I go so long between posts, I may forget everything I've written in the past which means my posts may talk about things I've already addressed in previous posts which might feel redundant for my readers. However, if it is repetitive it must mean it's important, right? Not to mention I created this blog to help others who are struggling, who might need to hear what I have to say in a different way than before. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this post...
A problem I have realized that I need to address on this blog is that some people who may be struggling with an eating disorder may not even know it. Looking back on my years of battling my eating disorder, I had no idea that I was "anorexic". I remember admitting it to one of my high school friends early on and thinking that it sounded so wrong for me to come out and say it, meaning it must not be true and that I must just be dramatic. I never talked about it again until college, just months before I went into treatment.
For me, actually saying the words "I have an eating disorder" meant that I didn't. The fact that I was saying those words cancelled everything out (if that makes sense). I remember my mom taking me to the doctor to verify me medically withdrawing from college. The doctor asked me why I came in that day and I just looked at my mom. All I could think was "I'm not sick. I don't know why I'm here". I was utterly embarrassed when I had to say "I think I have an eating disorder". I thought I sounded like an idiot and I did not believe what I was saying.
So if you combine the fact that I thought admitting I was anorexic with the fact that I didn't even think I had an eating disorder, you can understand why I did not try to get help sooner than 7 or 8 years after my eating disorder began. I've said this before, but I had no idea that my restricting of food and compulsive exercising weren't normal and that they were in fact, a problem.
So when did it hit me that I was slowly killing myself? Well I don't think I truly believed it until a few weeks into treatment. It was hard for me because I didn't think I looked like the "typical" anorexic girl that is just skin and bones. My first day at treatment I noticed girls that were much smaller than I was. I felt like I had some weight on me, too much weight, despite being 30 pounds lighter than I am now! (Crazy, huh?)
One thing that started to open my eyes that I might be doing something wrong was my evaluation to get into the Center for Change. They asked me questions about my behaviors and it started to open my eyes (at least a little bit, anyways). I thought that I would put together my own questionnaire that those of you that think you might be struggling with an eating disorder can ask yourselves. Some of the questions are things that I battled with in my eating disorder and some questions I pulled from the Center for Change questionnaire. I want to point out that I AM NOT A DOCTOR, PSYCHIATRIST, OR A PROFESSIONAL ON EATING DISORDERS IN ANY WAY. I would also like to point out that these questions might be a little more biased just to those struggling with anorexia because that is what I personally went through, but there are MANY forms of eating disorders. They come in all shapes and sizes just like us! I will post a link to the Center for Change website if you need further help. Here we go:
1. Do you find yourself restricting foods?
2. Are you constantly counting calories, fat, carbs, etc.?
3. Do you find yourself constantly thinking about food?
4. Do you feel anxious thinking about upcoming meals or social events that might involve food?
5. Do you feel the need to exercise every day, sometimes multiple times a day?
6. Do you feel panicked if you cannot exercise as you had planned in fear of gaining weight?
7. Do family and friends comment on how thin you are but you don't believe them or disagree?
8. Has your period ceased or become irregular with no medical reason?
9. Would you panic if you stepped on the scale tomorrow and found that you had gained 2 pounds?
10. Do you prefer to eat alone where no one can see you eat?
11. Do you find yourself going on uncontrollable eating binges to the point where you make yourself vomit?
12. Do you use laxatives as a mean of weight control?
13. Do you not allow yourself to eat certain types of foods?
14. Do you find yourself doing "rituals" when you eat (ie cutting your food up really small, hiding food so people will think you ate it, etc)?
15. Do people around you push you to eat food, and you find yourself getting angry at them?
16. Have you started feeling more depressed and/or wanting to spend more time alone?
17. Do you enjoy making food for others but not letting yourself eat it?
18. Is your biggest fear gaining weight?
19. Do you obsess over your weight, not letting yourself get above a certain number?
20. Is it important for you to be thinner than everyone around you?
If you answered yes to these some or all of these questions please reach out to someone; a friend, family, your bishop (if you are LDS), maybe even a treatment center? If you are not ready to talk to anyone of these people, you are welcome to reach out to me. My email is karissa.stanley13@gmail.com .
Life DOES NOT have to be this way. I can honestly say that people CAN fully recover from an eating disorder. I prove that more and more every day. If i had taken this "quiz" 3 years ago, I would have answered almost every question with a yes. But let me remind you, If you didn't answer yes to most/all of these questions, that doesn't mean your not struggling or that you're "not good enough" (as our eating disorders might tell us).
The first step is admitting you have a problem, that you are struggling, and need help. The second step, and equally as scary, is actually getting the help. You are not alone in this battle. You can find strength in those around you.
Fight the good fight.
http://centerforchange.com/
