"Try"

I have been wanting to write a post for awhile now but I can never get myself to sit down and do it, but I finally gave in tonight. There has been so many things on my mind that I thought would be good to write about. Hopefully I can write a few posts in the next little while, especially since I don't post very often (sorry about that). The number one thing I want to write about is based on the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat. If you haven't heard it, you really should! I will post the lyrics at the bottom of the page.

The song talks about someone going to the extremes to ensure that people like them. They do their  make-up, make sure their hair is perfect, lose weight, having the perfect outfit, etc. It rings so true to many girls (and guys too) growing up right now. They think that the most important thing in life, the meaning of life, is to make sure everyone approves of you. It sounds crazy but at the same time it makes sense. They aren't secure in themselves that they need other peoples' approval to let them know that they are living life "right". 

I can't begin to explain how true this was for me. I wanted so badly to be accepted by anyone I came in contact with. I have come to realize that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this. The funny thing is, the more I tried to be liked by my peers, the less liked I felt. My every thought was based on what other people would think. When I would look back at my high school experience, I would think that people didn't even know who I was and I was ultimately not liked, despite my efforts.

There are so many different types of people. If you try to be accepted by every person then you CANNOT be yourself. You just become a jumbled mess of everyone else. Who can be all 7 billion people in 1? 

Today, for the first time since getting healthy, I looked at a picture of myself from back when I was deep in my eating disorder...and it was scary. Not only did I look unhealthy but I looked so hollow, so dead inside. There was no part of Karissa left. It is astounding how different I am in every way from  that "Karissa", or whoever the heck I was. Why am I so different? 1 reason: I am now ME. I don't hide behind make-up and hairspray, I don't try to fit into a mold that the world has created, I don't live my life trying to impress everyone I come in contact with; and let me tell you, I feel so free.  I have  now gained my own opinions, discovered my own style, and grown comfortable in my own skin. I love being Karissa Dawn Stanley and I know that I am one of a kind, 100% me. 

That being said, it doesn't mean I don't get inspired by other people or look up to others. Many of my likes, dislikes, opinions, etc., come from my husband. Not because I feel the need to be a certain person for him, but because we view life the same way. We still disagree on some things and I almost prefer it that way. It comforts me to know that I have my own unique thoughts and I know that I am not molding to other people.

I get a little sad when I see girls I'm friends with on Facebook that are just a cookie-cutter of every other girl (which I'm pretty sure is a collage of pins on Pinterest). They always have their hair done up, their make-up is so thick that it is practically a mask, and they always have to be in the "latest" clothes. Let me tell you, a life like this is such a burden. Everything they do has to be accepted by everyone else. No one (and I mean NO ONE) wants to be done up every day. It is so time consuming living like this. You spend 2 hours everyday getting made up and perfect. That's time you could be with family and friends, or doing something meaningful. I would much rather be spending time with my husband and son or bettering myself emotionally/spiritually in some way. I truly regret the time I wasted making myself "perfect" for everyone else. That was time that I could have been something more worthwhile. It is time that I will never get back...and that is a scary thought.

I hope this post touches at least someone's heart. I would hate for anyone to be living for someone else. Choose this day to find yourself, to start the journey of loving who you are and why you specifically were put on this earth. Everyone has a purpose, and that purpose is NOT to look and be "perfect" in the distorted eyes of the world. Don't be afraid to be you.

                                                                     "Try"

                                                               Colbie Caillat

Put your make up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Oh

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

No
Oh

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you

Living for me.

For those that read my last post, it may have gotten some mixed reactions. It was really hard for me to put a story of such great depression out there for everyone to read, but I felt that that part of my life needed to be told. I know a lot of people suffer from depression and don't even realize it or are embarrassed by it. I have overheard many conversations poking fun at depressed people or people needing to take anti-depressants. I'm not sure when that became a joking matter. I didn't write the last post to scare anyone or to make people think they still need to watch over me. I am a strong woman. I am well into my recovery and have no depressed thoughts. Ever. The point of my post was to show that things do get better, even when you feel like you've hit rock bottom. My life is wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything...but that's not really what I wanted to talk about today. I just felt like I kind of dropped something big and then didn't follow up with another post. Sorry about that...

Anyways, what I wanted to talk about today is a realization I had recently. I was at church when the lady that was teaching the lesson said something like "I'm sorry you'l have to suffer through my lesson", and I started thinking about a point I brought up in an earlier post about how we, as society, try to bring ourselves down to make others feel better. I then realized another reason we make tear ourselves down: for validation. We so badly want, consciously or sub-consciously, for others to tell us we're wrong and to fish for a compliment. We are looking for validation from those we interact with, but we don't just do it by saying bad things about ourselves. We also do it in the way we talk, dress, exercise...everything! We wear things that will be approved by our peers, we try to say things that we think will impress them, we work out and eat "healthy" (AKA boring, gross, bland foods that come in tiny portions) so that others will think we look good. Let's face it, I would much rather be home with my family than spending hours at a stinky gym. Why do we do this? Why are we wasting our time living for someone else? Well I decided on Sunday that I will be living for ME. That means doing things that make ME happy, creating my own style, finding out what I like without influence from anyone else. As I try and do this, I want to blog my progress. I know I can't make this 180 with just a snap of my fingers. It will take some work, but here's what has happened so far:

DAY ONE

My realization happened this past Sunday (Easter) during church. After church we would be having a big, delicious Easter dinner. Even though I am far in my recovery, it takes a long time for your brain to stop thinking about calories and fat. So my goal for dinner? Not think about the calories and just eat things that were yummy. It's also hard for me to over eat, even when it's a special occasion. But you know what? It's ok to over eat sometimes. So those were my two goals; to not think about calories or eat whatever I wanted, and to eat as much as I wanted. How did it go? I think it went pretty well. I ate the foods I wanted, went back for more sweet potatoes (YUM!!) and got dessert, even though I was quite full. Overall, a good start. 

DAY TWO

I think day two went pretty well. I went out to eat with my old roommate and my sister. I got some delicious food and really good dessert. I tried some of my sister's food and it was just a good time, focusing more on the good company rather than the food. 

DAY THREE

Day three was a really good step in starting to live for me. I split my leftovers from day two with my husband for lunch. Even though I had eaten, I was still hungry, so I kept eating. I then made a delicious dinner for me and my husband and had delicious popcorn for dessert. 

I am now on day four and so far so good. I think I'm getting the food aspect of this down, but I'm excited to try other things, like trying out different styles of clothes and doing things that I like. 

CHALLENGE

Now I'm going to challenge all of you readers to try doing this too: Start living for you. How do you start? Take a mental inventory of ALL the things you might do because of the influence of others. Trust me, you won't regret it! It had only been a few days but I already feel more free. 

I will live for me, my Heavenly Father, and my family.

Life is Good.

On December 1, 2013, I gave birth to the cutest baby you have ever seen. He has now been in my life for almost 7 weeks. As I hold him and as I watch my husband cuddle next to him, I can't but help think how lucky I am and how much I love my life. That thought then leads me to think about an event that almost destroyed this life I so greatly enjoy today.

Back in July 2012 I had been discharged from the Center for Change for about a month. I was back in Houston for the month, living with my family before I would move to Utah in August. Coming out of CFC was quite the culture shock. In the center they shelter you from the outside world and you almost forget about eating disorder/depression temptations.

While in the Center, it was brought to my attention that I had depression. How I didn't see that myself, I'm not sure, but it had gotten pretty bad. I was put on anti-depressants which seemed to really help. I was still struggling with body image and with urges to restrict. I missed being in the Center because it was a safe place with girls that I knew were truly my friends and I could really relate with them. Now I was back in Texas with all my new support members back in Utah. My family was doing so well at helping me get my feet back on the ground and I thought I was making great progress. Well that day in July, I had forgotten to take my anti-depressants. I never knew how much that would affect me.

I had had a pretty normal day and headed to my room for the night. I decided to get on Facebook before going to sleep. I started looking at pictures of friends and people I had gone to high school with. They were all posting pictures from their semesters at college and the fun things they were doing. I looked back at my college experience. I had dropped out and spent 3 months away from the real world...granted this had been the greatest 3 months in my life thus far, but that didn't matter. I saw it as I was behind everyone. I hadn't done anything with my life. I felt worthless. I felt like my life had no purpose.

These thoughts dwelled in my head for awhile. I was becoming more and more convinced that these thoughts were true. My self-esteem was plummeting. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in a bad spot. Before the center, I had had thoughts of not wanting to live anymore but I never had a plan to end my life. This time I started thinking of how I would do it and that only scared me more.

As I started thinking of this plan I was becoming more convinced it was really going to happen. I tried to go to sleep to see if I would feel better in the morning but my thoughts were blaring in my mind.  I knew I needed help. I grabbed my phone and text my sister, Kelcie, and my friend, Holly. I told them what was going on and that I needed their help. Kelcie sent me texts of love as Holly called me but I didn't want to pick up. I was crying too much and I didn't want to talk about it. She eventually convinced me to pick up the phone and she talked to me. I was so embarrassed that I was getting these suicidal thoughts.

After a long conversation, I was calmed down enough that I had stopped crying. I wasn't feeling better, but good enough to be able to sleep. I woke up the next morning and couldn't believe what had happened that night. I was so relieved that I hadn't gone through with it. I kept thinking about what my mom's reaction would have been if she had found me in the morning and I broke down.

I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be alive today. I have already experienced so many wonderful things since then. In just a year and a half later I met one of my best friends, Stephanie, I met my best friend of all time and my husband, Jonathon,  I got my first real job, I got engaged, I was sealed and married to my wonderful husband, I've been pregnant and gave birth to the most perfect son, Nolan...and those are just the big things. That's not to mention spending time with my family, strengthening my relationship with my mom, gaining a better testimony of my Father in Heaven, and getting to wake up every morning with two guys. I have a wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am grateful for everyday I'm given on this Earth.