Real Life Stories

This is so unlike me to post TWO posts in one week! Crazy. However, today I read a post that was talking about celebrities who are open about their mental illnesses, and I came across one that I hadn't seen before. It was Brittany Snow (the Brittany Snow that was in Pitch Perfect, John Tucker Must Die, and Hairspray). She has been open to the public about her struggle with anorexia, depression, and self-mutilation. After finding this out I did a little research and read her story about her struggle with her eating disorder.

As I read her story I couldn't believe the similarities in our lives, thoughts, and development of our eating disorders. I thought that it would be a good idea to include her story here on my blog and include some of my thoughts. Brittany has a beautiful story of recovery and I hope you enjoy getting another example to help you further understand what it's like living with this debilitating, evil, and deadly mental illness. And for those of you that have just started tuning into this blog, I encourage you to read my own story here.

I will highlight parts of the article and my thoughts will be written in red

Here is Brittany Snow's article:

"You know Brittany Snow as the perfectly coiffed vixen Amber Von Tussle in Hairspray (right), the conniving cheerleader in John Tucker Must Die or the girl next door on the former NBC series American Dreams. Until now, few outside her tight inner circle knew that through her own teen years, Snow battled anorexia, depression and self-mutilation. Now recovered and working with the Jed Foundation (www.jedfoundation.org) to encourage others to seek help, Snow, 21, recounted her struggle, and her courageous path to recovery, with PEOPLE's Lisa Ingrassia.

I always had in my mind that being skinny was better, even as a little girl. But I was never chubby or overweight. At age 12 I was on Guiding Light, and I wanted to be accepted by these adults I was working with. I started with the Eat Right for Your Type diet. A friend who was a little older was doing it. I have a perfectionist personality, so I wanted to do the best job I could. I was not eating anything it said not to. It was almost fun for me, like a little experiment. Then I moved on to other diets. The cabbage diet, the salmon diet—I don't even like salmon!—the Zone, Atkins, Slim Fast. When I started losing weight, I got compliments from people I looked up to on the show. Soon, I was addicted to getting results. That's how it started, but it progressed rather quickly. (Does this sound familiar? Like from my post earlier this week? "Healthy Eating or Disordered Eating"
Within a month, Snow lost 10 lbs. from her then 5'3" frame.

My parents knew that I was dieting. A misperception about anorexia is that you don't eat. Not true. Maybe you eat just 500 calories a day. It would be easy for me to say, "Why didn't my parents notice?" But I didn't want them to. I made sure to eat half a sandwich around my parents. One misconception about anorexics is that they don't eat anything, but that isn't usually the case. Those struggling with anorexia mostly have a problem with restricting food. They try very hard to hide it from everyone, and this also contributes to them denying that they have a problem.

But then came the sadness and thinking I was a terrible person for eating the sandwich. I wanted to be a good girl, so I'd stick to "good" foods: salad, grilled chicken, mustard. Splenda in everything. In the lunch room at school, everyone would be like, "I'm not eating fries today." I thought, "I don't eat fries at all." My fear of fries made me realize I was different from my peers.

By age 14, she weighed 87 lbs. and Guiding Light's producers called her into their office to talk.

I was told that viewers were writing in, saying I had lost a lot of weight. The scary thing is, that made me happy. That people were worried meant this was going well. (A sign of victory in the eyes of an eating disorder) The producers told me not to go to the gym as much. But I would literally have an anxiety attack if I didn't go to the gym, because I felt like I was such a bad person.

I kept thinking, "Once you get to a specific number, you're going to be happy." At age 13, my number was 97 lbs. I got to 97 and, of course, that wasn't good enough. I got to 92. Not good enough. That's the illness: You'll never get there. I was 85 lbs. at my 2000 homecoming dance. But I wanted my collarbones and hip bones to show more. I'd feel my hip bones to make sure they were out. If not, I had more weight to lose. I lost my period until I was 17. I loved that. It meant I wasn't healthy, and I didn't want to be healthy.

In 2002, Snow, 16, moved to L.A. to star in American Dreams. She was 5'4" and back to 100 lbs. Soon after, she began cutting herself.

You can starve for only so long. I started eating, and depression kicked in. I wasn't getting "Gosh, you've lost so much weight!" And that wasn't okay. I worked out up to three hours a day. I felt shame that I was 100 lbs. Anorexics are supposed to be 50 lbs. Eating disorders come in all shapes, sizes, and weights. Anorexics feel like they've failed if they're not emaciated. 

That's where the cutting came in. The more I couldn't control my eating, the more I did it. I wanted to look at my wrist and be like, "See what you did? You ate ____." It wasn't about the food. It was an emotional problem. I wanted it to bleed, but I didn't want to kill myself. It was about hurting myself so I could feel bad, cry and let it out.

Two different boyfriends saw the scars. But they chalked it up to me being dramatic. Or I'd get a massage and there would be a moment when the masseuse held my wrists and I'd smile and say, "It's okay, keep going." No one ever talked about it.

When I was 16, I read an article in a magazine about a model who was anorexic and bulimic and cut herself. I burst into tears. I saw myself. The model talked about how she got help and has an amazing life—I carried around that article in my back pocket for a month, to feel like there was hope. That article saved my life.

My dad was the first person to whom I admitted what was going on. He didn't understand, but he wanted so desperately to. In 2003 he got me a therapist. But I wasn't ready. As much as the anorexia and cutting were painful, I still needed them. As hard as it may be for those that have to watch their loved ones slowly waste away, most of the time you can't force them to change. They can only begin to recover when they want to recover.

Finally I went into the hospital when I was 19 for depression and for cutting. I wasn't the person I wanted to be and I knew something was wrong.

The therapist diagnosed me with anorexia, exercise bulimia—instead of throwing up you go to the gym for hours—depression and body dysmorphia. All that, and yet I still had a career! It's shocking how many people in the business have great careers and this too, and don't talk about it. It's that drive and perfectionism.

I was about 110 lbs. when I went in. Being anorexic doesn't necessarily mean you're on the brink of death. It can mean that you were once at a dangerous weight and that mentality is still with you. They try to teach you how to eat normally. Gaining weight was scary. But I felt better. What helped was connecting with other people. I wanted to be there for them. It was the most amazing feeling to get out of my own head and listen to somebody else.

After nearly a month of treatment, I left a few days early to go straight to the set of John Tucker Must Die. I had gained about 10 lbs. I was 120, which isn't big. But I can understand why the producers wanted me in shape for a scene in my underwear. They were nice about it. They hired a trainer and suggested a diet.

Thank goodness for my costars, Sophia Bush and Arielle Kebbel. I told them, "You have to look out for me, because this is so hard." We would work out together and then they would pull me off the treadmill, and Sophia would be like, "Maybe you should eat this!" We had slumber parties. I started having fun, which was unheard of. Before, it was, "I can't have fun. I can't go eat a burger with my friends. How many calories are in that burger?" When I was getting better I met my boyfriend, Michael Johnson, a drummer in a band called Capra. Before, I never would have gone for a guy like him because I was so unloving to myself.

Today, being able to have a conversation and not think about what I'm eating? Amazing. I still see a therapist, but I eat like a normal person. I don't count calories—and I know the calories in every food. I go to the gym three times a week and do Pilates three times a week, but not for more than an hour. It's not healthy.

This past April I found out two of my friends from the hospital had died of anorexia. They had kids, jobs, and were amazing women. So when the Jed Foundation, which brings awareness about mental health disorders and suicide in college students, asked me to make an educational video, I thought, talking about my experience is something I can do to help. After the video aired, it made me sad that people thought I did it for publicity. I did it because people are misinformed. I hope this is an article that someone will carry in her pocket, maybe a girl who doesn't understand what's going on when she looks at pictures of celebrities getting skinnier and skinnier.

I'm an actress, and because of the way Hollywood is, I do have to watch what I eat. No one has told me I need to look a certain way, and that's great. The eating disorder will always be a part of my life. Some days, I think I'd like to be a size 0, but realistically, I think, "Come on, Brit. You're great." 


http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20160838,00.html 

Healthy Eating or Disordered Eating?

I want to start off by saying thank you to all of my readers! Whether you are reading because you are a friend of mine and have wanted to know more about what I struggled with, or if you are someone who is struggling yourself and are looking for help. I am so grateful for your support. Each of you has made me feel loved.

I have debated not posting anymore on this blog because I didn't want to be know for my eating disorder. I don't know that it's something I necessarily want everyone I meet to know about. My eating disorder is something that I have conquered, that I have beat, and for a little while I was wondering if this blog was hindering me from moving past it. Then I remembered why I started this blog; to help others understand what it's like to have an eating disorder, and more importantly to help those who are struggling. The people I have met may not have an eating disorder or depression but they may know someone that could really benefit from reading this. So with that thought in mind, I will continue...

There is something I have been wanting to write about on this blog that I think applies to a wide variety of people. It is something that is becoming more common in society today that all my readers need to be aware of:

HEALTHY EATING: WHEN DOES IT BECOME AN EATING DISORDER?

I have been reading some articles to study for writing this post. While reading these articles, I cannot believe how many people struggle with what is called Orthorexia Nervosa. The unofficial definition of Orthorexia Nervosa is a term which literally means “fixation on righteous eating.”  Orthorexia starts out as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but orthorexics become fixated on food quality and purity.  They become consumed with what and how much to eat, and how to deal with “slip-ups.”  Every day is a chance to eat right, be “good,” rise above others in dietary mastery, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).

So when does healthy eating become disordered eating? When your self-worth gets dragged into it. Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of orthorexics’ diet and they sometimes feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake.

Those who battle with Othorexia Nervosa may seem like very healthy people. Some may even envy their iron-clad will. Why not? We all want to be healthy, right? Well there is nothing healthy about how they are living. They are in a mental prison. Eventually food choices become very restrictive, in both variety and calories, that their health begins to suffer – which is ironic for a person who is so completely dedicated to healthy eating.  The fixation with healthy eating can start to then force out other activities and interests, impair relationships, and become physically dangerous.

Anorexia is defined as "a lack of appetite for food; an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight." Well, orthorexia has a lot in common with anorexia, and in my opinion, is a  dangerous road to anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating. When food becomes more than just something that fuels your body, that's when it starts to become a problem.

Orthorexia appears to be motivated by health, but there are underlying motivations, which can include safety from poor health, compulsion for complete control, escape from fears, wanting to be thin, improving self-esteem, searching for spirituality through food, and using food to create an identity.

The diet of orthorexics can actually be unhealthy, with nutritional deficits specific to the diet they have imposed upon themselves.  These nutritional issues may not always be apparent. Social problems are more obvious.  Orthorexics may be socially isolated, often because they plan their life around food.  They may have little room in life for anything other than thinking about and planning food intake.  Orthorexics lose the ability to eat intuitively – to know when they are hungry, how much they need, and when they are full.   Instead of eating naturally they are destined to keep “falling off the wagon,” resulting in a feeling of failure familiar to followers of any diet. If that's not disordered eating, I don't know what is. Their obsession with food brings on depressive and OCD manners.

I would like to point out one line from the last paragraph: "Orthorexics lose the ability to eat intuitively – to know when they are hungry, how much they need, and when they are full." How can something that is supposedly "healthy" destroy your body's natural instincts? Doesn't that make it UNnatural?? One thing I am very glad the Center for Change helped me learn was intuitive eating. Intuitive eating is becoming more attuned to the body's natural hunger signals. It is a more effective way to attain a healthy weight, rather than keeping track of the amounts of energy and fats in foods. Your body has its own signals that tell you what your body needs. If you want something "natural" you should be doing what humans have been doing since the beginning of time: eating intuitively.

There was a questionnaire on one of the articles I read, and if you read my last post (Admitting You Have a Problem) I did one and I think they are really helpful. If you are unsure if you have Orthorexia Nervosa, ask yourself these questions and they may clear it up for you.

• Do you wish that occasionally you could just eat and not worry about food quality?
• Do thoughts about food (calories, fat, sodium, ingredients) fill your mind throughout the day?
• Do you ever wish you could spend less time on food and more time living and loving?
• Does it seem beyond your ability to eat a meal prepared with love by someone else – one single meal – and not try to control what is served?
• Are you constantly looking for ways foods are unhealthy for you?
• Do love, joy, play and creativity take a back seat to following the perfect diet?
• Do you feel guilt or self-loathing when you stray from your diet?
• Do you feel in control when you stick to the “correct” diet?
• Have you put yourself on a nutritional pedestal and wonder how others can possibly eat the foods they eat? 

Following a healthy diet does not mean you are orthorexic, and nothing is wrong with eating healthfully.  It IS a problem when 1) it is taking up an inordinate amount of time and attention in your life; 2) deviating from that diet is met with guilt and self-loathing; and/or 3) it is used to avoid life issues and leaves you separate and alone.

Food is supposed to be something to enjoy. It fills your body and soul with wonderful things!

Once again I will end by saying that if you think you are struggling or need someone to talk to, please reach out to someone. Strive for a better, happier life. It is worth it and it is possible!



PS If there is anything you would like me to write about, any questions you have about my eating disorder personally or in general, tips or questions on how to help a loved one or even yourself, or anything else you can think of, just leave me a comment. I would love to hear feedback!