Pregnancy and Priorities

It's been a while since I posted here. I guess I had put pressure on myself to make sure every blog I wrote had something "important" to say, but I have a feeling that as long as I'm writing about my experiences I can help maybe one person or at least help myself by going back and remembering the lessons I've learned. In saying this, I had a hard time thinking of what I wanted to write about. After quite a bit of thought, I decided to write about a couple things, from my pregnancy and how my eating disorder has affected it to the changing of an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free.

For those that don't know, I am almost 5 months pregnant. I found out on March 28, 2013 that I was pregnant, and most recently found out that I am pregnant with a wonderful little boy. Pregnancy can be a scary thing, especially for someone that dreaded gaining any weight--and I mean dreading in the most extreme sense of the word. The first probably 3 months were really hard for me. I was gaining weight and growing out of my clothes. I was getting a little belly because, of course, there was a little baby growing in me, but I hated that it wasn't a pregnant belly. I felt like it just looked like I was gaining weight and I was afraid of people thinking that rather than knowing I was pregnant.

Cravings were hard for me too. I was recently talking to my husband about my past year in recovery and I realized that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I had been. I was still scared of certain foods and I would stay clear of them, so it was hard when I started to crave these items. I think I tried a little bit to find substitutions but there was no way in tricking my kid. He knew what he wanted. In the past 2 months, however, I have been listening to those cravings and I am so much happier. I can grab a bag of potato chips and not feel guilty.

Another thing that I had to learn to cope with was that every pregnancy is different; Some people are going to gain a lot of weight in different areas and some are going to only have that balloon looking pregnant belly, some are going to start showing before others and everyone is going to gain a different amount of weight. I was so scared that I was gaining weight to quickly and too early. I was scared because I was only expecting to gain weight in my belly and that it would only be my baby. I started my pre-natal appointments doing blind weights. I didn't want to get any anxiety over my weight, except my first visit, the nurse practitioner not only told me my weight but told me the number she wanted me to be at by the end of the pregnancy when it clearly stated on my file not to do so. To my surprise, though, I found that I was completely comfortable with it and I know exactly why: I knew that my baby's health is the most important thing.

This actually brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is changing an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free. I was able to put my own fears and anxieties out of mind because I knew my priorities. I knew what was more important to me: my baby. My decisions don't only effect me, but also my husband and my child. Not only will participating in eating disorder behaviors hurt me but they will tear my family apart. You may think that it only changes your life and your thoughts but when you suffer, so do the ones that love you most. They have to see you struggle and hurt yourself. Your focus on your insecurities takes away from what you can offer to them. When your mind is full of eating disorder thoughts, that takes away from the thoughts of what is truly important to you, whatever it may be. I learned this the hard way by hurting my family as they watched me ignorantly choose my eating disorder over them. I hate to admit this, but my eating disorder meant more. I say this because if my family or even my testimony in the church meant more I would have given it up in a heart beat. I can proudly say that my family and my Heavenly Father mean the most to me now. I had to realize what was actually important.

Need help taking the importance away from these destructive thoughts and behaviors? One thing I can suggest is to make a list throughout the day of what you think about and analyze what you truly think the importance of that thought is. Some say it might be easier for me to think this way because I now have to eat/care for me and a child and that I could slip back into it after having my baby, but this realization has a lasting impact on me. I realize that I want to be healthy for my children and my husband. They will always be the most important thing to me, which means I want to be here with them as long as possible. I want to give them my undivided attention and everything I have to offer and now I can say with confidence that nothing, not even my eating disorder, can keep me from achieving that.

Year of Progress

CAUTION: THIS POST CONTAINS EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS

I am proud to say that yesterday, March 27, marked 1 year since I went into the Center for Change. That is unbelievable. This time last year, I was over my head with self-hatred and depression. I am proud to say that on March 27 of this year I spent with my husband, eating at a restaurant, and loving every minute of the day. It’s amazing how much this past year has brought.

Just 1 year ago my thoughts contained so many negative things. I wouldn’t let myself enjoy anything good (including Red Lobster biscuits which I got to rock this year!). I was living by so many rules that were insane! I’m hesitant to put those rules I lived by on here because I don’t want to give anyone ideas but to fully understand the place I was in I want to give y’all an idea:

·      I could not consume more than 500 calories a day

·      If I ate over I had to workout to make up for those extra calories

·      I took a laxative everyday to get everything out of my system (yeah…gross)

·      If I ate too much I couldn’t go out

·      I HAD to take my diet pill everyday (2 a day if I was feeling “fat”)

·      I had to take my diuretic pill to get rid of extra water weight

·      I couldn’t be bigger than a certain size of clothing (I won’t specify)

·      I could only eat plain, air-popped popcorn

I’m sure there was more but I don’t remember, nor do I want to. Aren’t those ridiculous, though? Having to live by those rules was exhausting and, honestly, I have no idea how I survived as long as I did. It does make sense that I got a hole in my stomach! The weird thing is that all those rules made sense to me. This year I live by one rule:

·      EAT WHAT I WANT!

In the Center they taught us about “intuitive eating”, which there’s actually a book that explains the whole concept. The basic idea of intuitive eating is eat what you’re body is craving. Our bodies are trained to crave what our body needs. It explains that our bodies have set body weights that we are supposed to be at. When we diet and try to lose weight, we mess up our set weight and actually make our set body weight higher, meaning when you stop dieting you will naturally weigh more. Sucks right? Unless you’re planning on dieting your whole life, diets are stupid! Why not keep your body the way it’s MEANT TO BE. Learn to love the body you have if you want to be happy.

In just one year I have: moved to a new state, lived on my own, gotten a job,  found my testimony, fallen in love,  made a new best friend (also the person I fell in love with), married my best friend, and most importantly recovered from my eating disorder of 7 years. I would say it’s been a pretty great year. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was to call my mom on March 27 and talk to her about the great things going on in my life. I know she was happy to talk about the good things too. Life is great. I love being Karissa Dawn Stanley. She’s a pretty great person with a great life.

If I was going to give any advice to someone that would like to have a recovery as great and special as mine, I would say just to have faith. Have faith in yourself, and if you believe in a God, have faith that He can bring you through this. I know that’s why I have gotten to this point so quickly. I set a firm foundation of faith.

Shallow Society

One thing that I realized since starting this blog is that everyone knows that I had an eating disorder. (Obvious statement, right?) Well while out to eat with some friends, I noticed that those that have read my blog or know my situation might be paying extra attention to how I’m handling food. They don’t know how to react or what not to say. I figured I could give my opinion on how others should act around people that are or have suffered with eating disorders. The answer is: act naturally!!

I know it can be awkward but the one thing we want most is for attention not to be brought upon us while we are in those environments. Eating in social situations can be a stressful, high anxiety situation. How can you help make this situation easier on those suffering? There are some topics of conversation that should be strayed away from:

·      Calories

·      Weight

·      Clothing Sizes

·      Working Out

·      Insecurities with your body

·      Amount of food eating

There are more that could be more specific to someone’s eating disorder but these are pretty general topics. Why is it that it is so natural for us to talk about the things we hate about our bodies? Do we really not have anything else to talk about? These things are not important. Something that I feel like people do not recognize anymore is that our self worth is not based on these shallow things. That is what those in recovery are trying so desperately to comprehend. There are so many other things that we could be thinking about and doing.

I feel like I can’t get my point across as well as I would like to. I really just want people to see how serious this is. There is so much pressure on us to look a certain way; where did this even come from??

I was at a work lunch with a group of all girls. The other girls started talking about how “big” they have gotten, how they need to start not eating fattening foods, the diet supplements they’re taking, and working out. I hated hearing them talk about how they were disgusted with their bodies. They then began to say, “Karissa, you’re lucky you don’t have to worry about this stuff.” All I could think was how they had no idea. I have been overly worried about this for the past 8 years of my life.  These girls I work with are not bad people, but they see these insecurities as weaknesses.

One thing I have learned in my recovery is: I AM NOT MY BODY. Those days when I feel “fat” does not mean I am a bad person that day or that my self worth is less. I am beautiful, not because of the size pants I wear or the number on the scale. My beauty does not change if my size changes. Size does not matter. I love my body—some days more than others. I’m not perfect but I’m working on it and I do believe everything I have said. You are not your body, it does not define you.

Well that’s my soap box for the day. Love yourself. :)

F.A.I.T.H.

Today, Saturday, I had to go into work. I like to entertain myself between calls (I work at a call center) so I was debating on what I wanted to watch. I usually have “The Office” or “30 Rock” playing in the background and I had every intention of putting that on today as well. As I open my browser I see my homepage, which is www.lds.org. I got this urge to watch a General Conference talk or something along those lines. Since I had no interest to watch any church talks last year I decided to look towards the General Relief Society Meeting videos. For those of you that don’t know what this is, it is like a devotional for the women in the church. As I was watching this I had some really great thoughts that really brought comfort to me and I wanted to share them.

As I had the video playing on my computer at my desk, my first thought was that my co-workers would judge me, thinking I wanted to show them I am better than them because I was watching a church video on my own time. My thoughts slowly turned into something a little more positive. I then began to think of things my husband, church leaders, family, and friends have told me: “I am an example to others.” I have been told that I will have influence for good to those around me. I will say it is still hard for me to admit that to those of you that are reading my blog. I don’t like thinking I have that much worth. That being said, my insecurities are holding me back from ever getting close to fulfilling that potential. This led me to a thought as to why I suffer with this eating disorder and all the insecurities that come with it:

Someone or something is putting these thoughts in my head to bring me down, to not let me see the goodness in myself.

This thought led to even better thoughts: What if I do have that much worth? What if I, myself, can influence others? Maybe I’m not just another person. If I am supposed to reach this expectation than I cannot let this thing hold me back. I have a responsibility while I am here on Earth. This thing that has influence over me does not want me to see this potential. This must mean I can do something pretty great, right? Why should I let this power bring me down when my Heavenly Father has gone out of His way to get me back on my feet? There are many times I should’ve died but I know that I was saved for a reason; a reason I do not know of yet but one that I need to find out.

Having this faith that I have been born with a great purpose is truly moving. It gives me the strength to try to fight these destructive thoughts, it gives me power to fight against this power fighting against me, it helps me lean more onto my Heavenly Father because I know He has a great plan for me.

I do believe that we all have our struggles and that are given them for our own personal reasons. I have faced this trial for years and years but I can say today that I see it as a blessing in my life. Those years were the most difficult thing I have faced but I can see how strong it has made me. I can look at everything that has already happened for me since I started to recover and all I can see is an immense amount of blessings.

As most of you have probably noticed, most of my posts have some input of my testimony. My testimony, my faith in my Heavenly Father, in Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement have gotten me to where I am today. The Holy Ghost, which is in me, has led me down the straight and narrow path, to be righteous and faithful, and strengthen my belief in the fullness of the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For the first time in my life I am not afraid to share it.

Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek

I just want to close with a quote from one of our church leaders, Henry B. Eyring:

“If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word.”

Struggles and Blessings

To be completely honest, post treatment is one of the hardest parts in recovery. In the center, I was sheltered from the influence of the outside world. When I left, my eyes were so open to how obsessed society is with weight, exercise and diets. Now was the time for my treatment to be put to the test.

After discharging from CFC I went straight to a family reunion up in Idaho. I knew that family reunions meant lots of foods, and scary foods at that—fried foods, desserts, eating out at restaurants; not to mention I was still not comfortable with the weight I had to put on. It was really hard on me to cope with the emotions that come with eating every meal and still enjoy time with my family. Some moments were harder than others, but it turned out my family was really good support. It actually really helped being surrounded by people that love me and I know wouldn’t be judging me. Going home to Cypress, I soon found out, would be the real trial.

I was so excited to see my friends but that environment is so toxic. It felt like every time I saw someone I went to high school, the conversations turned to how fat this person got and how they hate their bodies. This was not what I needed. Other than the fact that my mom, dad, brother, and my best friend were there, I wanted out. I had this strong feeling I needed to get out and move to Utah. I was establishing my testimony in my Heavenly Father and I needed an environment that would strengthen it and be around people that respected their bodies. I didn’t know this yet but this was going to be the best decision of my life. So I talked with my parents and we set up for me to move the first week of August, which left me a month in Texas.

I took that month day by day, using my coping skills and working on my recovery. I was on anti-depressants, which helped me quite a bit, but I still had my low moments. I remember one night I was going to bed and I decided I wanted to check Facebook for a couple minutes. I go on and I looked at pictures of my friends and people I went to high school with. They all had pictures posted of them at college and doing things with their lives and I broke down. I felt like I hadn’t done anything with my life. I had only done one semester at college and I had to drop out, with no plans to go back. Where was my life going? I then started to feel hopeless and that I had no importance. I was getting very serious thoughts of suicide that night. Before treatment I had wished I wasn’t alive but I never thought about killing myself. It wasn’t until I had gone through treatment that my depression got this bad. I was so scared that I was going to go through with these thoughts. I texted my sister, Kelcie, and my best friend, Holly, and they talked me through it. They may have saved my life that night. This was a wake up call to me that I was not fully recovered. I still had so much work to do.

I made it through July and now it was time to move. You can imagine how scary this idea of moving away from home to a place where I didn’t know anyone (except Kelcie) was since that incident the month before, but I knew this is what I needed to do.

I drove up with my parents and moved in with Kelcie until I could move unto my own apartment. I was still participating in some eating disorder behaviors, such as eating foods that were “lighter”, looking for low calorie meals, making sure I exercised. It was getting really hard to fight those urges. I still met with my therapist every other week or so to keep me on track.

I moved into my apartment and the first day I met my new roommate, Stephanie. We hit it off right away. That first Sunday we went to church together. I was glad that Steph and I had become friends so quickly because church was so intimidating. That night we had a ward activity called ward prayer where we pray together. I was there talking with Steph and a guy I had met when registering at my apartment when this cute guy, Jonathon, came up with his friend and introduced himself to us. During the activity, there was an incident where Jonathon hit a plate of cookies and they went everywhere. This was my first impression of this guy and I thought he was pretty funny. Afterwards he asked me for my number.

He text me the next day and we talked for 2 hours at another church activity that night. I felt comfortable around this guy and I loved talking to him. We continued to text the next day and planned to hang out that night. I went to institute held at the apartment clubhouse and got a donut after. I met up with him at the pool since he was swimming with his friends. Me, Steph, and our other roommate met back up with them at the pool and hung out there for a while. I was so excited that I had eaten a donut and then gotten into a swimsuit in front of this guy. This was already a good sign. Later that night I invited him and his friends over to our apartment to watch “Finding Nemo”. He sat very close to me and he put his arm around me and held my hand. After he left that night me and Steph squealed with excitement, as girls do. I was amazed that this cute guy had shown affection to me this quickly!

I decided early in this blooming relationship that I would be honest with Jonathon about my struggles with my eating disorder and depression. I guess I wanted him to know what he was “getting into”. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved this guy so I wanted to scare him off? Well if that was the case, it didn’t work. Jonathon was the most understanding, caring, loving person I had ever met. I’m not saying these things didn’t scare him but I suppose he realized the bigger picture.

Since I’ve been with Jonathon, he is always taking care of me. He knows the things I struggle with down to the smallest details. He knows how my brain and depression work and is proactive in stopping my insecurities before they even happen. He actually wants to hear about what’s going on with me. He helps me to get closer and closer to beating my eating disorder each day. The best part is that after only 2 months of being with him, I didn’t even have to take my anti-depressants anymore. He helped me find happiness in so many things.

After 87 days he proposed to me. He promised to always take care of me and that he will never hurt me. That promise means so much to me. I had been in love with Jonathon since the eighth day I knew him. It was so comforting to know that I could be loved as much as he loves me. To have someone as good, and spiritual, and smart, and cute, and sweet, and caring, and just downright perfect love me as much as he does is so refreshing. This perfect guy wants to spend all of eternity with me! All I can say is wow.

We were sealed together for all time and eternity in the Brigham City Temple on February 16, 2013. That was the best day of my life. Being married to him makes me feel like a princess. I feel so beautiful around him and I felt gorgeous in my wedding dress. I still can’t even comprehend that I get forever with my prince charming! It’s only been 4 days since we have been married but every single day has been a blessing.

As of today, Jonathon has taken care of me everyday for almost 6 months. He has strengthened my testimony and has made me a stronger person. He had become my best friend and the love of my life. He has taken me to the temple (which is HUGE considering where I was at just a few months before I had met him).  Our relationship has had it’s bumps and I know I’m still going to struggle in the future but I can say proudly that I am not afraid that my eating disorder will take over my life again. I’ll say it again: “I AM NOT AFRAID OF MY EATING DISORDER”

Now you can see why I was getting that prompting for me to come to Utah. I needed to meet Jonathon. I needed him in my life. This is hard for me to write about Jonathon and the impact he has had on my life because I feel like I can’t do justice to everything he’s done for me. Everyday I make progress in beating this eating disorder because of him. I’ve told him that I would give up my eating disorder for him; that’s 8 years of pain and battles I’ve fought and grown to love—in a weird way—that I would just throw away for him. With the amount of love I have for him, I know that throwing away my eating disorder is possible and that’s what I’m still working on and getting closer to each and every day. :)

Path to Happiness

I’m one month into treatment. I had a great support team at home and in the Center. I thought I was doing well. I seemed happy. After an incident with a rude care tech and one of my good friends, my therapist brought to my attention in a therapy session that I was care taking. In other words I was trying to fix my problems by putting mine aside and trying to fix other’s problems. I had spent a month not even addressing my own problem. I guess I just cared about these girls so much that I wanted their problems to go away. No one, especially these girls, deserve to have to go through the pain and struggles that an eating disorder brings. I wouldn’t say it was time wasted, but that wasn’t why I was there.

After this therapy session, I went to a class called Relationship Skills. That day we were doing an exercise where one person sat at the front of the room, facing everyone, and everyone would give you compliments. I was the last one in and I was not expecting this kind of exercise. This was one of the hardest things for me, to sit there and have people tell me good things about myself. I broke down. How could these amazing girls see these good things in me that I couldn’t see myself? It is definitely frustrating. In that moment I saw everything I was struggling with and I had a flood of emotions, emotions I hadn’t felt in so long.

This was such a good step for me. And now that I could feel emotions I would work on the one thing that would impact my recovery more than anything—I would start trying to find my faith again. The Center gave us the option of going to a different church each Sunday. I decided I would try these different churches and see which best fit me. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own so I prayed, each and every night. I was feeling good going to church. I knew I was on the right track but nothing was really giving me the satisfaction I was looking for.

It was the week before family week—a weekend where you’re family gets to come up and they go to therapy with you and go to therapy sessions on their own sessions to better help support you—and I was playing Nertz with two friends. I got this amazing feeling inside me. I got a distinct feeling inside me that I needed to go back to the LDS church. That feeling was so real. I immediately went to the Book of Mormon my mom had sent with me and began reading it. I had this want to learn more about the church I had grown up in. This was the right decision for me.  From that moment, I just had this constant feeling of joy and happiness. This was undoubtedly the Holy Ghost. My Heavenly Father was looking out for me and was answering my prayers.

From that day I made every effort to build a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I told my family everything that had happened, about me falling away from the LDS church and finding my way back, and I began working on my repentance process.

My recovery was completely different now. Having my religion behind me gave me reason to be alive and to work towards a happy life and an eating disorder was neither of those things. I had to choose which was more important. I spent another month and a half at the Center for Change, working towards getting rid of the remains of my eating disorder.

The three months I spent there were the most memorable thing of my life. I made so many friends there and it literally saved my life. I had suffered so long that I had no idea life could be a happy, enjoyable thing. I now have a good relation with food. I love being me. I am so blessed and have so much to be grateful for. I still have those days where my body image isn’t the best, but it’s not something I constantly have to live with. I can think about something other than food, calories, working out, and if I’m gaining weight. I feel so free. I can say that I am happy to be alive and nothing will change that anymore.

In my next post I want to talk about my life post treatment and some views I have about society that have completely changed. Thanks for everyone that’s following :)

Finding Hope

I wanted to make my next post as soon as I could because I didn't want to leave off on a bad note for too long. So back to the story...

I was so nervous going into the Center. I had no idea what it would be like, I had never dealt with therapists, and I didn't know anyone. I was going to be more alone than ever. My first day there I was put on the inpatient side. There were about 12 other girls there. The inpatient unit was for those first entering into the system that needed some extra attention. It was basically to get patients stable. I met my roommate who was a girl coming off her mission into the center. With my recent falling away from the church I wanted nothing to do with it, but to my surprise we became friends very quickly. I was very grateful for this friendship because I didn't feel like I belonged there. The other girls on the unit were the nicest, most wonderful girls I had ever met but I felt like my eating disorder wasn't "bad enough" for me to be there. Ridiculous, right? My body was falling apart and I didn't think I was good enough still. Let me tell you, eating disorders are not the most logical. 

By the time I got into the Center, I was unable to feel any type of emotion. I was unable to be angry, unable to cry, which meant I was unable to cope with the emotional problems that were impacting my anorexia. For the first month or so everyone thought I was the happiest person. It seemed that I was actually happy to be in rehab. That's what I had learned to do, numb out every feeling and put on a happy face (not that I knew what being happy felt like). 

A normal day at the Center for Change was quite busy. We would wake up about 6:15 each morning and be ready by 7:15. We would get together as a unit to make goals for the day then go to breakfast. We would eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. When I first got in there, I had to gain the weight back that I had lost. This entailed eating meals and snacks that seemed so big. It was so hard to let myself eat that much. In the mind of an eating disorder, eating food was like defeat. For me, that was years and years of restricting food that was a complete waste. Not eating was not an option, either. Whatever you didn't eat on your plate they would give you the same amount of calories in Boost (a nutritional drink like Ensure), and if you refused that then you had to go on the feeding tube. There was no way of avoiding it. The dining hall was the most dreaded place of all the Center. 

Other than making sure we were eating, we had different classes to go to, including: Body Image, Coping Skills, Spirituality, Art and Music, and Yoga with the most amazing yoga teacher. We had a very strict schedule which helped us from just sitting around and thinking about our eating disorders. When you have an eating disorder, it's literally all you can think about. My entire thought process throughout the day was: "What am I going to eat today?" "If I go out with my friends, is there going to be food there I'm going to have to eat?" "How many calories have I eaten today?" "Have I worked off all of the calories I've consumed?" "Do I look fat?". These thoughts never stopped. It's exhausting. We needed something constantly there to distract us from our own minds. 

The classes were all forms of group therapy. We could help each other by helping ourselves. This brought us closer together as a unit and made us be comfortable around complete strangers. I was so nervous to ever speak in group therapy. I was not worthy to give advice and anything I had to say didn't matter. 

It was only a few weeks in there that I was forced to break out of my shell. Being around girls that are going through the same things you are, spending all day every day with them, and having therapy together builds bonds like no other. I immediately became friends with each one of these girls. I didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward around them. I felt love for these girls and that love was returned. We became each other's support system. I was in rehab and still struggling but these girls gave me hope. 

This was the turning point of my recovery. From this moment on, miracles started happening in my life. Wait for the next post to see this turn of events :)

In my head

I have been debating starting a blog about my journey with my eating disorder. I wanted to start this blog not specifically to have people feel sorry for me or even to help others with their eating disorders. If I do help others then so be it. If I could save just one person from going through the hurt and struggle of an eating disorder I would be more than pleased. So to start off, I'm going to clarify that ED stands for Eating Disorder. I know it can be confused with other things...you may know what I'm talking about. The second thing I want to clarify is that I will not be giving details of my eating disorder behaviors. There are enough websites out there giving people ideas about how to be a better anorexic or bulimic. Basically what I'm looking to do is to just help people understand what exactly an eating disorder entails and maybe even help myself with what remains of my eating disorder. In my experience, an eating disorder is not something people use to get attention. In some cases it might be, but it's so much deeper than that, more complex, and specific for each person struggling. It can be a form of control, a way to numb feelings, or anything. I'll start this blog off by walking you through my experience.

To start off, my story, in my opinion, is not a traumatic one. I was the 5th daughter born to loving parents. I grew up in a happy home that was centered on living a Christ-like life. We weren't the richest family around but we were definitely fortunate...enough that as kids we got to choose whichever sport we wanted. Most of my sisters chose the dancing route, but my sister Kaylee and I chose to do gymnastics. I loved flipping through the air and learning new tricks. What I loved most was that I got to watch my sister at practice. I so looked up to her. Everyone knew that I was Kaylee's little sister. 

You think that growing up as a girl, parading in a leotard all day, would have made me self conscious but I honestly don't remember ever feeling that way. It was only until I quit gymnastics at the age of 10 to switch to cheerleading that I remember getting those feelings. By that time, most of my sisters had moved out of the house and gone off to college. Those of us that were left at home were moving to a new, bigger house. We were moving into a much nicer area, with kids that had been much more privileged than I growing up. Usually when a kid has to move schools it's a difficult time for them but this move was not a hard thing for me. I remember having one really good friend, one that I had been friends with since kindergarten, but no one really other than that. 

As I transferred to my new school, I immediately became best friends with the fun girl named Holly, who still today is one of my best friends. We were both in band and we clicked right off the bat, which was new for me because I wasn't really used to meeting new people, nor did I like it. I remember wanting so badly to be popular and have many friends throughout middle school and high school, but I could never muster up the courage to actually talk to these "popular" kids. Other than a few close friends, it was just me and Holly. I never felt noticed by anyone. I was a cheerleader but I was so invisible.

I continued on to high school and the same feelings were there. I made the high school cheer team at a brand new high school. I was actually one of the best--not that I believed that back then. I could never give myself that credit. That same year I also got a boyfriend. I hadn't kissed a boy until that year and I felt like a prude because I hadn't. As the one of the first 10 cheerleaders ever at that school, I thought I might get some attention...but I was wrong. Few knew who I was, or so it seemed. I also thought that maybe being a cheerleader would give me the confidence to talk to some of those "popular" people but I couldn't even talk to the more well known cheerleaders on my team, and they were my teammates! This is when I really remember me controlling my situation with food. It wasn't about being skinny when I started. I just remember starting to hate myself. I would look in the mirror and all I could see was flaws. There had to be something wrong with me. I remember talks in cheer class about diet pills and how “fat” each one of them were. If they were fat then I must be huge (at least that’s what I saw).  I remember one day a girl on the team said “Karissa, you look so skinny. Like anorexic skinny” and she said it in such a way that almost praised me. That moment and that feeling has stuck with me to this day.

I finished off that year to find out I was moving to Switzerland. I was actually not disappointed still. Once again, I really only had one friend I was leaving behind. By then it was only my Dad, Mom, brother, and I left at home so we packed our things and left. I met a great group of friends over there. They were some of the funniest, friendliest, best people I have ever known and they considered me a friend but I still never felt comfortable with them. I was always feeling awkward around them and didn't know what to say. I felt like they clicked with each other more than they clicked with me. I would come home each day and go to my room. I was bored out of my mind so I began to eat nonstop. I obviously started to gain weight. I tried to take control by restricting. I would eat very little at school, which just made me even hungrier when I got home which led to more eating. I was so depressed and it was only getting worse. After a long 5 months I moved back with my mother and brother.

As I came back into the superficial high school I was so ready to leave, the insecurities escalated. I was back in that same environment, and not to mention I now had that extra weight from Switzerland. I was trying everything I could to get rid of that weight. I even remember my mother commenting on my weight gain. And so the restricting and the binging got worse.

I got a new boyfriend towards the end of my junior year. He was this cute, buff, popular guy that all the girls had a crush on. I was so proud to be his girlfriend and it was a relief because I automatically felt comfortable around him, and like with Holly, that was a rare occurrence for me. I was back on the cheer team and I was dating one of the cutest guys in school. You think this would be such a self-esteem booster for me but it turned out it was just more pressure on my image. I felt as if I weren’t worthy for all of this. I felt like everyone was judging me, like they were wondering how on earth I got my boyfriend.

Well my insecurities proved right when my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 short months because he didn’t feel comfortable that I wasn’t “Christian” because that meant this relationship could not go anywhere. Just to clarify, I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (AKA Mormon), so DEFINITELY a Christian. It’s in the title! But that’s beside the point. I decided I needed him back. I thought I was in love with him and that he was the real deal. Looking back now I just thought that I would never be able to get another guy. This was my only chance at love with a man. I compromised my religion, chose to fall away from the church and ditch my beliefs, for this one guy.

6 months later, I succeeded in getting him back. I was ecstatic. I had a second chance, and I wasn’t going to let him slip away this time. The pressure was there more than ever. The restricting came on, full force, but this time there was no binging. I needed to control myself more than that. I began losing weight and the girls praised me at my school. A few months into the relationship, after some break downs and freak outs from me, he began to lose interest again. I was so insecure, down to no self esteem whatsoever, that it began to surface. I even tried to explain to him about my insecurities and my struggles with food but he responded with a text saying, “I don’t want to talk about this.” With that one text I shoved my problems down and didn’t address them with anyone ever again.

At the same time I was training to try out for college cheerleading. I didn’t think I was good enough but I thought this was the next step in my life. Cheerleading was the best part of me. I needed to be good. I was practicing so hard and giving all my effort, only to be told by my coach that I needed to lose weight if I ever wanted to be a Texas Tech cheerleader—as if I wasn’t struggling enough.

So back to the boyfriend…we ended up breaking up once again so I gave up everything I could to keep him around. Stupid right? I didn’t care. This is what I thought happiness was. He used me and I didn’t care one bit. At least he was still in my life.  

By then I was starting my first semester at Texas Tech. I was majoring in Petroleum engineering so school was obviously hard, cheerleading tryouts were vastly approaching, and the boy-toy was at the same school. My anorexia became worse than ever. If I ate more than I allowed I would completely shut down. I would go to my room or the gym and not allow myself to go anywhere. I was depressed, as you can tell, and I didn’t even notice it.

By the end of the semester I had let the boy toy slip through my fingers. I decided I was too much for him to handle. I was withering away. My family and friends were so worried as I was slowly killing myself. I didn’t care, though. I was still disgusted with what I saw in the mirror. Now everything started falling apart. My body was shutting down and I was not doing well in my classes.

It was February 14, 2012, Valentine’s Day, and I was going to the movies with my girl friends. I volunteered to go early to save seats. As I was there alone, I fainted. I woke up to strangers surrounding me and the paramedics putting me on a stretcher. I was met by Holly at the hospital. She was so worried, and obviously so was my mother, but this was a success for me. This meant I was actually good at my eating disorder. I know this doesn’t make sense but that’s how my mind viewed it.

Just two weeks later, on a trip to with Holly and our friend Ahalee to Abilene to watch a friend play baseball, I was taken to the hospital for a sharp pain in my side. I found out that I had gotten a hole in my stomach and I would be rushed into surgery. I was so numb to any feelings I just watched my friends be scared for me and listened to my mom be so worried for me over the phone 6 hours away. This was just another trophy on my eating disorder shelf.

You think this would scare me into wanting help but I didn’t know what I wanted by then. With the little faith in God that I did have I prayed to my Heavenly Father for help. I needed some direction since my choices weren’t getting me anywhere.

I didn’t think I had received an answer to my prayer. I went home to Houston for Spring Break when my mom made me go see a therapist for the first time. There we discovered what should have been obvious, I was an anorexic and had depression. My mom looked into treatment options for me where she discovered the Center for Change, located in Utah. My mom decided that was the best option. My dad picked me up from Texas Tech and I headed off to Utah. This is where my story really begins.

I know this post has been quite depressing but it’s all uphill from here. Reliving my recent past is hard for me. I can’t believe I didn’t see the goodness in me…but all in good time :)