Finding Hope

I wanted to make my next post as soon as I could because I didn't want to leave off on a bad note for too long. So back to the story...

I was so nervous going into the Center. I had no idea what it would be like, I had never dealt with therapists, and I didn't know anyone. I was going to be more alone than ever. My first day there I was put on the inpatient side. There were about 12 other girls there. The inpatient unit was for those first entering into the system that needed some extra attention. It was basically to get patients stable. I met my roommate who was a girl coming off her mission into the center. With my recent falling away from the church I wanted nothing to do with it, but to my surprise we became friends very quickly. I was very grateful for this friendship because I didn't feel like I belonged there. The other girls on the unit were the nicest, most wonderful girls I had ever met but I felt like my eating disorder wasn't "bad enough" for me to be there. Ridiculous, right? My body was falling apart and I didn't think I was good enough still. Let me tell you, eating disorders are not the most logical. 

By the time I got into the Center, I was unable to feel any type of emotion. I was unable to be angry, unable to cry, which meant I was unable to cope with the emotional problems that were impacting my anorexia. For the first month or so everyone thought I was the happiest person. It seemed that I was actually happy to be in rehab. That's what I had learned to do, numb out every feeling and put on a happy face (not that I knew what being happy felt like). 

A normal day at the Center for Change was quite busy. We would wake up about 6:15 each morning and be ready by 7:15. We would get together as a unit to make goals for the day then go to breakfast. We would eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. When I first got in there, I had to gain the weight back that I had lost. This entailed eating meals and snacks that seemed so big. It was so hard to let myself eat that much. In the mind of an eating disorder, eating food was like defeat. For me, that was years and years of restricting food that was a complete waste. Not eating was not an option, either. Whatever you didn't eat on your plate they would give you the same amount of calories in Boost (a nutritional drink like Ensure), and if you refused that then you had to go on the feeding tube. There was no way of avoiding it. The dining hall was the most dreaded place of all the Center. 

Other than making sure we were eating, we had different classes to go to, including: Body Image, Coping Skills, Spirituality, Art and Music, and Yoga with the most amazing yoga teacher. We had a very strict schedule which helped us from just sitting around and thinking about our eating disorders. When you have an eating disorder, it's literally all you can think about. My entire thought process throughout the day was: "What am I going to eat today?" "If I go out with my friends, is there going to be food there I'm going to have to eat?" "How many calories have I eaten today?" "Have I worked off all of the calories I've consumed?" "Do I look fat?". These thoughts never stopped. It's exhausting. We needed something constantly there to distract us from our own minds. 

The classes were all forms of group therapy. We could help each other by helping ourselves. This brought us closer together as a unit and made us be comfortable around complete strangers. I was so nervous to ever speak in group therapy. I was not worthy to give advice and anything I had to say didn't matter. 

It was only a few weeks in there that I was forced to break out of my shell. Being around girls that are going through the same things you are, spending all day every day with them, and having therapy together builds bonds like no other. I immediately became friends with each one of these girls. I didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward around them. I felt love for these girls and that love was returned. We became each other's support system. I was in rehab and still struggling but these girls gave me hope. 

This was the turning point of my recovery. From this moment on, miracles started happening in my life. Wait for the next post to see this turn of events :)