Pregnancy and Priorities

It's been a while since I posted here. I guess I had put pressure on myself to make sure every blog I wrote had something "important" to say, but I have a feeling that as long as I'm writing about my experiences I can help maybe one person or at least help myself by going back and remembering the lessons I've learned. In saying this, I had a hard time thinking of what I wanted to write about. After quite a bit of thought, I decided to write about a couple things, from my pregnancy and how my eating disorder has affected it to the changing of an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free.

For those that don't know, I am almost 5 months pregnant. I found out on March 28, 2013 that I was pregnant, and most recently found out that I am pregnant with a wonderful little boy. Pregnancy can be a scary thing, especially for someone that dreaded gaining any weight--and I mean dreading in the most extreme sense of the word. The first probably 3 months were really hard for me. I was gaining weight and growing out of my clothes. I was getting a little belly because, of course, there was a little baby growing in me, but I hated that it wasn't a pregnant belly. I felt like it just looked like I was gaining weight and I was afraid of people thinking that rather than knowing I was pregnant.

Cravings were hard for me too. I was recently talking to my husband about my past year in recovery and I realized that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I had been. I was still scared of certain foods and I would stay clear of them, so it was hard when I started to crave these items. I think I tried a little bit to find substitutions but there was no way in tricking my kid. He knew what he wanted. In the past 2 months, however, I have been listening to those cravings and I am so much happier. I can grab a bag of potato chips and not feel guilty.

Another thing that I had to learn to cope with was that every pregnancy is different; Some people are going to gain a lot of weight in different areas and some are going to only have that balloon looking pregnant belly, some are going to start showing before others and everyone is going to gain a different amount of weight. I was so scared that I was gaining weight to quickly and too early. I was scared because I was only expecting to gain weight in my belly and that it would only be my baby. I started my pre-natal appointments doing blind weights. I didn't want to get any anxiety over my weight, except my first visit, the nurse practitioner not only told me my weight but told me the number she wanted me to be at by the end of the pregnancy when it clearly stated on my file not to do so. To my surprise, though, I found that I was completely comfortable with it and I know exactly why: I knew that my baby's health is the most important thing.

This actually brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is changing an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free. I was able to put my own fears and anxieties out of mind because I knew my priorities. I knew what was more important to me: my baby. My decisions don't only effect me, but also my husband and my child. Not only will participating in eating disorder behaviors hurt me but they will tear my family apart. You may think that it only changes your life and your thoughts but when you suffer, so do the ones that love you most. They have to see you struggle and hurt yourself. Your focus on your insecurities takes away from what you can offer to them. When your mind is full of eating disorder thoughts, that takes away from the thoughts of what is truly important to you, whatever it may be. I learned this the hard way by hurting my family as they watched me ignorantly choose my eating disorder over them. I hate to admit this, but my eating disorder meant more. I say this because if my family or even my testimony in the church meant more I would have given it up in a heart beat. I can proudly say that my family and my Heavenly Father mean the most to me now. I had to realize what was actually important.

Need help taking the importance away from these destructive thoughts and behaviors? One thing I can suggest is to make a list throughout the day of what you think about and analyze what you truly think the importance of that thought is. Some say it might be easier for me to think this way because I now have to eat/care for me and a child and that I could slip back into it after having my baby, but this realization has a lasting impact on me. I realize that I want to be healthy for my children and my husband. They will always be the most important thing to me, which means I want to be here with them as long as possible. I want to give them my undivided attention and everything I have to offer and now I can say with confidence that nothing, not even my eating disorder, can keep me from achieving that.