On December 1, 2013, I gave birth to the cutest baby you have ever seen. He has now been in my life for almost 7 weeks. As I hold him and as I watch my husband cuddle next to him, I can't but help think how lucky I am and how much I love my life. That thought then leads me to think about an event that almost destroyed this life I so greatly enjoy today.
Back in July 2012 I had been discharged from the Center for Change for about a month. I was back in Houston for the month, living with my family before I would move to Utah in August. Coming out of CFC was quite the culture shock. In the center they shelter you from the outside world and you almost forget about eating disorder/depression temptations.
While in the Center, it was brought to my attention that I had depression. How I didn't see that myself, I'm not sure, but it had gotten pretty bad. I was put on anti-depressants which seemed to really help. I was still struggling with body image and with urges to restrict. I missed being in the Center because it was a safe place with girls that I knew were truly my friends and I could really relate with them. Now I was back in Texas with all my new support members back in Utah. My family was doing so well at helping me get my feet back on the ground and I thought I was making great progress. Well that day in July, I had forgotten to take my anti-depressants. I never knew how much that would affect me.
I had had a pretty normal day and headed to my room for the night. I decided to get on Facebook before going to sleep. I started looking at pictures of friends and people I had gone to high school with. They were all posting pictures from their semesters at college and the fun things they were doing. I looked back at my college experience. I had dropped out and spent 3 months away from the real world...granted this had been the greatest 3 months in my life thus far, but that didn't matter. I saw it as I was behind everyone. I hadn't done anything with my life. I felt worthless. I felt like my life had no purpose.
These thoughts dwelled in my head for awhile. I was becoming more and more convinced that these thoughts were true. My self-esteem was plummeting. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in a bad spot. Before the center, I had had thoughts of not wanting to live anymore but I never had a plan to end my life. This time I started thinking of how I would do it and that only scared me more.
As I started thinking of this plan I was becoming more convinced it was really going to happen. I tried to go to sleep to see if I would feel better in the morning but my thoughts were blaring in my mind. I knew I needed help. I grabbed my phone and text my sister, Kelcie, and my friend, Holly. I told them what was going on and that I needed their help. Kelcie sent me texts of love as Holly called me but I didn't want to pick up. I was crying too much and I didn't want to talk about it. She eventually convinced me to pick up the phone and she talked to me. I was so embarrassed that I was getting these suicidal thoughts.
After a long conversation, I was calmed down enough that I had stopped crying. I wasn't feeling better, but good enough to be able to sleep. I woke up the next morning and couldn't believe what had happened that night. I was so relieved that I hadn't gone through with it. I kept thinking about what my mom's reaction would have been if she had found me in the morning and I broke down.
I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be alive today. I have already experienced so many wonderful things since then. In just a year and a half later I met one of my best friends, Stephanie, I met my best friend of all time and my husband, Jonathon, I got my first real job, I got engaged, I was sealed and married to my wonderful husband, I've been pregnant and gave birth to the most perfect son, Nolan...and those are just the big things. That's not to mention spending time with my family, strengthening my relationship with my mom, gaining a better testimony of my Father in Heaven, and getting to wake up every morning with two guys. I have a wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am grateful for everyday I'm given on this Earth.
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